We cannot fathom why you did the things you did.
You bollocksed up a follow-up to Space Jam, that rare perfect film for which any sequel would be an insult. You took away one of the greatest cats who has ever lived and wheezed and whirled us out of our own tight-fitting egos. You unleashed Kraft Mac ‘n Cheese Ice Cream. (You do not know how fervently I wish I was making this up.)
But you also gave gifts that none can steal.
Arrived: Pingu, Andy, Phyllis, Faith, Timmy, Suki, Bambi, Sallie Mae, Marcus, Obsidian, Onyx, Diamond, Emerald, Malachite, Feldspar, Opal, Peridot, Tourmaline, Daveed, Misty, Tempeh, Tofu, Willow, Gator
Adopted: Guppy; Brioche; Sasquatch & Yeti (together); Ciabatta; Nintendo; Arowana; Pumpernickel; Bianca (BIANCA YES BIANCA YES I AM YELLING); Dorado; Turnip; DeeDee and Dorothy (together); Edith (YES EDITH YES I AM YELLING EVEN LOUDER); Homie; Inspector Gadget; Carbon; Sprout; Sega and Switch (together); Sallie and Dexter (together); Focaccia; Sallie Mae; Rutabaga and Radish (together); El Tigre, Dusty Rhodes, Lester,* and Fontina (together YES TOGETHER OH MY STARS ALL THE STARS ALL FOUR TOGETHER YES I AM YELLING LOUDER THAN ALL THE FUTBOL FANS IN ALL OF EUROPE and yes you bet your banana hammock there will be more on this event — possibly the defining event of our generation, with all apologies to COVID — soon)
Promoted to the Lobby: Bosco
Promoted to the Community Room: Consetta
Promoted to The Office Of His Serene Jonathannity: Honey
Exquisitely Oblivious to Aforementioned Honey Promotion: Audrey
Promoted to Heaven: Stanley
Stuff We Learned: Cats are merry miscreants at their best and their worst, with zero hope of reform but cento percento hope of happifying our world, if we’ll let them. We’d be fools not to let them.
Also, Siesta is eminently qualified for a job in office management, provided the hours include 15-minute breaks occurring every 16 minutes for fiestas and siestas. His minimum salary requirement is $1,000,000,000. Or a 55-gallon drum of squeeze cheese. Employer’s choice.
*’Sup, Lester sponsors. You’ll be getting a formal, fabulous Special Update very shortly…and a new, spectacular sponsoree, too. Stay tuned. And thank you, more than legions of Lesters could ever express, for making this happen!