Breaking news

Breaking news

I don’t know about you, kittens, but I’m at the breaking point.

Breaking news. Shattering stories. From every screen, every speaker, it just…keeps…shouting.

Some of it is news. Some of it is smoke. All of it is exhausting.

It’s time we said “ENOUGH YET ALREADY!” and broke some news of our own.

Jonathan + pumpkin = yes.

Without further delay, I bring you the breaking news you genuinely need:

  1. The Linda Fund ends in five days. Five. Days. This is the only time all year where other people will double your donation. You give money and other people give money and the cats end up with money times two. Please give while the givin’ is still this good. And please get your assorted friends, buddies and pals to do the same.
  2. Related: Jonathan the cat is now sponsorable.
  3. Unrelated: Mumford and Sons has released their first new music in three and a half years and it’s goooooood.
  4. Orange cats look cute with pumpkins.
    1. Exhibit A: Jonathan (who is now sponsorable)
    2. Exhibit B: Carley Rose

      Carley Rose + pumpkin = yes.
    3. Exhibit C: Carrot

      Carrot + pumpkin = yes.
  5. But so do tabby-and-white wonders.
    1. Exhibit A: Abe

      Abe + pumpkin = yes.
    2. Exhibit B: Anka

      Anka + pumpkin = “I SHALL MASH IT AND SMASH IT AND THROW IT AND…oh, yes.”
  6. Actually, all cats look good with everything. Nevermind.
  7. The Linda Fund, though. C’mon, my dears. We are within pumpkin-throwing distance of the goal, but there’s no guarantee we’re gonna reach it. And I mean those gigantic, state-fair pumpkins, not the little ten-for-a-dollar jawns.

    “We are da world. We are da kittens.”
  8. Kittens should have an audience at the United Nations General Assembly, as soon as possible, for the sake of the world. You throw a kitten or two or ten in an already-populated Kitten Room (and I don’t mean literally “throw” here, although I did with the pumpkins), and Resident Kittens will welcome New Kittens with great delight. Within a matter of minutes, kittens new and old will be in one great heap of harmony and snoring. Calico, orange, black and white and stripes of all sorts, they will love each other. We are not wiser than kittens, and we’d be wise to heed their help.
  9. The Linda Fund helps kittens, too.
    1. Exhibit A: Flip, our hydrocephalic new nubbin, bound for a neurology consult

      Phenomenal Flip
    2. Exhibit B: Sabine, our dainty new dream, afflicted with a mystery issue causing her front legs to be tightly folded across her chest, also bound for a neurology consult

      Splendorous Sabine
  10. If the Linda Fund helps kittens, and kittens have unlocked the secret to global peace, your donation to the Linda Fund will literally change the course of both feline and human history.
  11. But even if it doesn’t, it will save the lives of precious individual cats, and we all know that each one is the whole world.
  12. Thank you.
Thus spake Perry: “THANK YOU!”

1 thought on “Breaking news

  1. Thank you for this post. I read it to my cat, and he is convinced Jonathan is the mythological reincarnated lion Aslan, the kind and benevolent guide to humans, also my cat is now convinced that he is CAT, therefor he is the whole world. He has authorized the donation of his treat money to the Linda Fund.

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