Y’all need to stop

Y’all need to stop

OK, kittens.

I’m afraid I have to be the heavy today. Brace yourselves; they don’t call me Angela The Enforcer for nothing.

Wait, stop laughing uncontrollably. Stop it. STOP.

OK, fine, don’t. But I must continue. I must insist that y’all cease and desist.

The problem is, I’m not sure who y’all are, which makes stopping y’all somewhat problematic. I’m also uncertain why I have suddenly taken to addressing y’all as y’all, when (a) I come from the triforce of NY/NJ/PA rather than GA/AL/MS and (b) you deserve to be addressed formally and respectfully as “youze guyze.” But I digress.

Whatever I call you, I need to call you out, and you need to stop.

You need to stop giving the Lobby cats so many treats that they explode.

I am exaggerating, but I am only exaggerating very slightly. If you keep this stuff up, next week we will make the international news with the headline “Exploding Lebanese Wonderkitten Rocks Ringoes.”

Well on his way to popping, planet-sized Cotton is just one of the enormities feeding on your excessive generosity in our Lobby.

Olive should be renamed “Orb.”

Anka is a full tank-a. (And we’re not talking hunk-a chunk-a burning love; we’re talking hunk-a chunk-a burning mass of incandescent gas, as in the sun, whose size he is approaching.)

Catbesity is cute, until it isn’t, at which point our brave staff is literally begging you to stop the turbo treating. This is not because they are mean; it’s because the paraplegic cats are all getting diarrhea, while also getting too turgid to have their bladders expressed.

I wish this didn’t all sound so hilarious. OK, it is hilarious. But seriously, you also need to stop.

And you need to tell me who you are.

In this time of lockdown, with no visitors and very limited volunteers permitted into the Lobby, we’re at sixes and sevens trying to track you down. Who are youze guyze, you treat-tossers and bacon-bringers (surely there has been bacon involved)? From whence comes the never-ending stream of snacks causing the ever-expanding waistlines of our Lobby lunatics?

I’m asking y’all to stop.

We will contact the FBI.

And they will laugh.

Don’t make me call the rikishi now.



And apropos of nothing, just because I love ya:

3 thoughts on “Y’all need to stop

  1. Thanks Officer Hartley for this gentle reminder. In addition to the negative physical consequences from these handouts, “we” (the guilty parties) are also encouraging their mooching behaviors.
    Hopefully you won’t need to sentence any repeat offenders to help with diapering our dear Olive!

  2. Cotton, Anka, Olive – cat people tend to reward cuteness with love and cuddles – and treats! We are weak in the face of obviously adorable cats. It is hard not to yield. When are the makers of cat treats going to come out with tasty low calorie treats?

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