Be it known: Tabby’s Place cats will no longer settle for just any old cheezburger.
Now that they know about Das Burger and The Bravest Man In All The Land, their standards are permanently raised…through the roof.
Now, you might think that if anyone deserves the title “Bravest Man In All The Land,” it would have to be the guy who moves Dobro every Friday to clean his suite. And you would be justified in thinking that…but you would be wrong.
You might think this stalwart man must be the dude who cleans up Tashi‘s daily trails of tears turds. Again, you would be mistaken.
Surely you’d be sensible to assume that The Bravest Man In All The Land is the gentleman who tries to get between mama Bunny and her babies.* Sensible…and wrong.
The sharpest cat-teeth, stinkiest poo and most ferocious maternal instincts in New Jersey can’t compete with what Bert faced recently. Terror, thy name is…Das Burger.
For the love of cats, Bert marched into war against the beastliest burger you’ve ever seen in your nightmares. (And I know you have nightmares about beef patties. I can’t be the only one.) The 300 Spartans, the Light Brigade, and Custer and his cavalry had a cake walk compared with Bert’s battle. Bert faced…well, this:
Lest its photo deceive you, that monster is 2 pounds of burger, 4 fried eggs, pork roll, fried smoked Gouda, Applewood smoked bacon, beer-battered onion rings, chipotle mayonnaise and a 1987 Buick on a Brioche bun. (OK, except for the part I made up. The onion rings.)
If he could consume that beast in its entirety within 40 minutes, Bert would win (a) the swooning admiration of every cat from Dusty to Dobro and (b) the cost of Das Burger as a donation to Tabby’s Place, courtesy of the team at George Street Ale House in New Brunswick.
I say “team.” Perhaps the more appropriate term is “mad scientists.” George Street Ale House looks like a fun, delicious, altogether delightful eatery, and its chef, owner and manager seem like lovely, witty and warm guys…but they did create this monstrosity. (And I did hear the chef turn to the owner and manager and say: MOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HA-HA-HA-HA-BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! But that might just be a coincidence.)
Suffice to say, I could not eat Das Burger in an hour. I could not eat Das Burger in the shower. Heck, I don’t think I could eat Das Burger even if I was She-Ra, Princess of Power. I could not eat it, Sam I Am. But Bert is another breed of human bean, and so he took the mad scientists’ challenge: eat Das Burger in 40 minutes, while hosting his live radio show.
Now, is this devotion to the cats, or is this devotion to the cats? I think it ranks right up there with “giving over your first-born child” in terms of crazy-fabulous devotion.
I think – nay, I know – that Bert was victorious even though Das Burger refused to be wholly consumed. Miraculously, our courageous radio host made it through 3/4 of the behemoth before hitting the wall. He was all laughs, smiles and don’t-miss-a-beat patter hosting his delightful show as he battled the burger-beast. Even the mad scientists conceded that this was the farthest anyone had ever gotten against Das Burger. (That’s right, no one has ever defeated this thing. No one. But Das Burger has yet to meet Jackie and Maggie.)
For all their schemes of burger-borne mayhem, the mad scientists proved to be some pretty stellar fellows after all. Though their creation felled our champion, they made a donation big enough to buy three Das Burgers (or a whole lot of Fancy Feast) to Tabby’s Place.
So this war story has a wondrous ending. The cats got the dough, George Street Ale House got 100 feline friends for life (and more than a few humans), and Bert, The Bravest Man In All The Land, was victorious in the truest way of all. As an added bonus, he did not explode.
And for that, we are grateful.
Please join me in giving a very special thanks to Bert; his wife KB (uber-volunteer, uber-human-bean, one of the best friends I’ve ever had, AND clearly The Bravest Woman In All The Land, since she watched her beloved husband battle Das Burger); Dave, Dan, Anne, Ginny and the whole team at WCTC; George Street Ale House (especially mad scientists-in-chief Andrew Riccatelli, executive chef; Adam Zeid, owner; and Jonathan Angley, manager); and Das Burger itself for making this Charity Chow-Down a reality. Into my extreme old age, I suspect I will wake up screaming at the thought of Das Burger…but then I will remember that it was all for the cats. For that reason, y’all will forever be among the Awesomest Humans In All The Land. 😉
You can hear Bert battle Das Burger while gabbing it up with the St. George Ale House fellas and me by clicking here (scroll down to “Bert attempts to eat Das Burger.”)
*Bunny and her babies - and all of our kittens – are flourishing, thank God. Stay tuned for an update on them in the very near future, courtesy of foster mama Karina.