It has come to our attention that there is a cauldron of controversy in the middle of our Community Room.
Before things get out of hand, Tabby’s Place would like to issue an official statement.
Here it is: Eartha does want to party with you.
We understand the confusion.
Eartha appears to be a party. She has so much celebration within, it erupts in tuxedo streamers. Her hair is longer than a CVS receipt. Her eyes dwarf disco balls. Her ears experience such glorious music, they fold in upon themselves to make it echo louder.
(We believe, but cannot confirm, that Eartha’s personal music includes Vivaldi, DJ Khaled, and the Rapunzel soundtrack. Mostly DJ Khaled.)
But the belle of Beirut did not cross the Atlantic for the average hootenanny.
Attempt to party with Eartha in the usual fashion, and bouncers will appear to escort you out. Eartha’s shag is a no-shnoogle zone. Eartha does not want to be held, kissed, serenaded with “All I Do Is Win” by anyone other than DJ Khaled.
All of Eartha’s exclamation points stand on end if you attempt to pick her up. Her neon neurons fire faster than a strobe light. Cross her beautiful boundaries, and Eartha’s seizure disorder will crash the proceedings. Too much touch will set off her neurological issues.
Partying properly is essential to Eartha’s health.
This does not mean Eartha is anti-party. This does not mean Eartha is anti-you. This means Eartha’s planet obeys its own etiquette.
Eartha will do the Wave, the Watusi, and the most elegant Electric Slide if you wield a wand toy. She will jump-start this drowsy planet if offered the right jingle ball. She will get the Democrats, the Republicans, and the criminal syndicate responsible for vegan cheese in the same room, and she will get them to agree that it is good to party together.
And when she is done, she will tell you to leave.
Love will always find a way to party. It will also find its way to the door when the beloved says “Ich fuhle mich jetzt genug beucht.”
Eartha is fluent in English, French, Lebanese, and Minion. But her favorite language is German, for it gave her an expression she treasures.
“Ich fuhle mich jetzt genug beucht.”
This means, literally, “I have been visited enough now.”
(Isn’t that great? Don’t you want to use it the next time Uncle Flavian takes off his socks and turns on COPS reruns at 11pm on Thanksgiving?)
It means, essentially, “Take home the leftover falafel, but take off.”
It means, “Thank you for coming. Do not delay going.”
It means, “I expect you to love me enough to love my need for space.”
It means, “I expect you to love me precisely because I am from outer space.”
Be it known: Eartha does want to party with you.
She just wants the right to choose the playlist.