It’s a jungle in here.
If you thought Hunterdon County politics were wild, step into Suite B. Or C. Or FIV.
OK, maybe not FIV. Since the arrival of Gus, King Kum-Ba-Yah himself, those FIV+ cats get along almost ridiculously well. If only we could bottle Gus’ good-timey ways and mist hose down all the cats in Suites B and C with them.
First, the battiness of B. Harvest may seem like an unlikely candidate for the role of The Punisher – no teeth or even roots, sad hush-puppy eyes – but punish he does. Human? He loves you. Feline? He will end you.
It might not seem so bad if not for the bloody aftermath. No, Harvest doesn’t make the other cats bleed…he just hates them enough to make his own sensitive, toothless mouth bleed all over when he “bites” his cohabitants. (In some cases, however, he does make particularly terrified combatants poop themselves. Voluminously. No, I am not making this up. And, no, to spare the pride of the pooper in question, I’m not naming names. I am, however, linking links.)
Maybe Harvest is trying to compensate for his toothlessness. It’s hard to be tough when you have the dental structure of a 97-year-old man, but, goshdarnit, Harvest is out to prove he’s a mighty man of valor. More than that, though, he’d just like to prove his love for humans and be done with these other cats. I trust a forever home isn’t far for our single-species mush.
We may understand where Harv is coming from, but LaFawnduh‘s not lighting up with delight in his presence. Never a fan of her own kind, our independent mama is more a lover yeller than a fighter. Like the high school kids who gather around a brawl to yell “fight! fight! fight” (which is an excellent and helpful thing to do, by the way), LaFawnduh always adds her commentary to the battles of the day.
Truth be told, though, LaFawnduh is just a Big Giant Dork at heart, tired of the cool cats and looking for a human of her own. LaFawnduh was the girl whose favorite hot hunk was Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and who would buy a perfume called Eau de Used Book Stores if she could. She seems to feel a bit removed, and a lot out of place, with all this “normal cat stuff.” She’d just as well choose to be in her own little world, with her own little humans. (Or big humans, or average humans, or even Notorious M.E.D.I.U.M. humans. She’s not fussy. And, Jean-Luc, if you’re reading this: call me.)
Over in Suite C, we’ve got a Mouse That Roared situation. Imagine Belgium seriously attempting to dominate the entire known world (“our waffles will end you!”), and you’ve got a good idea of Crystal’s confidence. Maybe she’s inspired by the rise to power of her tiny white predecessor, Tiffany; maybe she’s convinced that good things come in small, white, one-eyed packages; maybe she’s just daft as a brush. Yep, that’s it.
Whatever the reason, Crys is confident she can take ’em all. And, by George, she may be right.
If, that is, she can get past Trey. Sneaky one, that 1,800 18-pound mush. He’s taken the long road to dominance, biding his time for 4+ years at Tabby’s Place before deciding to become an Epic Butt Kicker (EBK).
At first, I struggled to believe the reports that he was beating on other cats. Trey? But Trey weighs too much to even turn himself over. Trey loves everyone. Trey wouldn’t hurt a stink bug. Yes, also I am the Queen of Spain. I can only imagine the mighty thud of Trey falling from the perfect-behavior pedestal, but fall he must. Trey is beating on other cats. And at 1,800 18 pounds, Trey heap strong.
Of course, he’s not quite as strong as Sluggo, the 24-pounder in talks to be the mascot of 25 Burgers. Fortunately, the other cats’ fracas seems to have made Sluggo go into semi-retirement from roughhousing…with emphasis on the semi. We know pro wrestlers don’t go into retirement for any reason other than to come out of retirement with a new wild outfit (Lucha Libre style) and a mighty BLAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH! Make no mistake: the biggest Slugfest is yet to come…and its name is adoption.
And, yes, this is all in jest. Sure, they fight, and sure, it’s been unusually jungley lately. But when the lights go out in Ringoes, it’s a happy, snoozy, peaceful land. They make it work, these cats. Is it any wonder they have better solutions to our political problems than we do?
If Sluggo and Trey, Harvest and LaFawnduh can find a way not to kill each other, maybe there’s hope even for us human beans.
Photo credits: assorted awesome PWhAM (People Who Aren’t Me): FIV love fest, Harvest and LaFawnduh, volunteer Jessica; Trey, Rob Zurfluh; Sluggo, Danielle.