Let me guess: you’ve got food on the brain this week.
Let’s clear up a few things: canned cranberry sauce is superior to Martha Stewart’s finest (bonus points if it retains the can shape); marshmallows have no business bothering sweet potatoes; and whoever invented “frizzled onions” should be tried for war crimes.
But we have far meatier matters to discuss today. Whether you’re salivating over turkey or Tofurky, you must face the fact that you are an apex predator.
As a member of the human species, you occupy a place at the top of the food chain, the head of the animal table. There is nothing that naturally eats you.
But you’re not alone at the apex, and I don’t want to leave you for the long weekend without fair warning. The one thing that threatens an apex predator is another apex predator, and I’m sorry to inform you that we have a wild pack of them at Tabby’s Place.
Zoologists will tell you that the most fearsome apex predators are the so-called “big cats.”
But Tabby’s Place will tell you the truth.
The apex predators at the acme of the zenith of the apex are right here.
Feast your eyes on these fearsome beasts, fanged and frightful and glorious. They may lack the size of a grizzly, but they can — and will — leap from the ground to your shoulder faster than you can cry “holy cutenessssssss!”
They will climb your jeans, ferociously shredding denim without regret.
They will eat your hair.
They will snorkle and purr and snuffle so deeply into your ears, they’ll see out the other side.
They are the apex.
So don’t say we didn’t warn you this Thanksgiving. You may not have to watch out for cheetahs or Greenland sharks, but there may be an apex predator watching the turkey timer over your shoulder.
Oh, one last tidbit: from now through the 30th, you can have your own brand spanking new apex predator for only $35.
Be aware, kittens.