Sometimes it just doesn’t seem fair.
Even when we get “bonus” time, unexpected “extra” time, with a very sick cat like Esme, goodbye still doesn’t seem right or okay when it comes.
Even though it was many months after Esme was expected to leave us, yesterday was still too soon, bitterly soon.
Es was the kind of cat who made it hard to tell when she was really hurting. Her blithe spirit and propensity to purr through all circumstances hid her discomfort. We all took it as a good, “normal-for-Esme” sign when she sprinted (OK, “sprinted” is a relative term) into Tashi‘s crate yesterday morning. This has been her favorite shared snooze-spot with Tony.
But when Esme stayed – and stayed, and stayed, and stayed – in that same spot into the afternoon, her tiny sides heaving with effort in each breath, we knew that we had left “normal-for-Esme” territory.
Chris, a cherished long-distance Tabby’s Place family member (who comes from England to spend several weeks with us each year), took Esme to the emergency vet yesterday afternoon. Honestly, I didn’t countenance the idea that it might be her final trip. Some part of me chose not to even “go there.”
But, whether I was prepared or not, Esme was very ready for release. Between the growing tumors in her chest and the fluid building up due to her heart disease, her body was weary. In Chris’ loving arms, Esme left this earth as quietly, peacefully and purringly as she’d led her life. My heart thanks Chris for staying with our tiniest tortie, holding her and seeing her off to the next stage of her journey even as his own heart broke.
I remind myself, over and over again, what a blissed-out life, complete with a boyfriend, that Esme had at Tabby’s Place. The coda to her life was its sweetest melody, as she found her feline and human soulmates in the Lobby. I remind myself that this final season was a “bonus,” unexpected by the experts, and that every sweet day of this borrowed time was a gift.
It’s all true. And yet…sometimes it still doesn’t seem fair. Why couldn’t the sweet season stretch on? Why did such a gentle soul only reach 11 years?
That’s when I need the deeper reminders.
Esme’s death is not fair in that she didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve an iota of suffering along the way.
But, Esme’s life is equally unfair in that we didn’t “deserve” the gift of her friendship. We did nothing to merit the blessing of loving and being loved by such a soul.
It is all grace.
And, I trust, the same grace that lavished Esme into our lives is bearing her to a pain-free, tearless eternity with the One who loves her best. Perhaps the most gloriously “unfair” thing of all is the fact that, by no merit of our own, we can share this same eternity in the heart of Love.
Esme’s passing is not fair. But it is ultimately swallowed up in the greater “unfairness” that is grace – and her death is ultimately swallowed up in life. We will see her and love her again, when all of our love is endless and perfected.
And, in the meantime, we ache. But let’s not forget that the ache is temporary. After darkness comes great light.
We will see you in the marvelous light, beloved Esme.
Thank you, dear Tabby’s Place family, for loving her so well.
RIP Esme, you were through alot during you time here, you will be missed, but now you have entered your eternal home and your earthly miseries are gone forever. I remember meeting you when I visited in November and Angela introduced us and explained your problems. Once again, you are safely home having answered God’s call and thanks to everyone at Tabby’s Place for the care and love that you gave here while she was there.
Angela, thank you for both loving blog posts about Esme. It was wonderful getting to know this sweet girl on here as it is terrible to have to let her go. God bless Tabby’s Place for giving cats in otherwise bad situations the love and care that they deserve.
Oh sweet Esme – I’m so glad her suffering is over. My love and thoughts for all those mourning sweet Esme.
Kathryn
No fair.
Little Esme – You were a very sweet little girl and you will be missed by all who loved you. You put up an incredible fight to stay with all your friends at TP. We know that you are joining an incredible group of angel kitties who were also lucky enough to pass through Tabby’s Place. What a reunion we will all have!
I am in tears reading about sweet Esme. I feel so lucky to have been able to spend time with her last month—what a brave little girl she was. Her former lobby brother, Beauford, who learned a lot about patience from Esme, sends her lots of purrs and kisses.
Have a safe trip, little Esme, and say hello to all of our old friends at The Other Tabby’s Place. We’ll catch up with you again in no time.
If this doesn’t prove how fragile life is, I don’t know what does. To everyone mourning Esme’s loss (myself included) and especially to Chris, whose selfless love helped her to make her transition with love and security, rest in peace, little special cat. We all love you and will never forget you — give cuddles and purrs to our buddies who have gone before you.