Ruby won.
This is the only valid explanation for what went down in the Lounge.
Surely, Ruby won. Her victory was so decisive, history split into “before” and “after” like a graham cracker.
Her success was so commanding, West Point now offers courses in “Rudiments of Ruby.”
Her goals were so ambitious, nobody believed they could ever come to fruition.
Nobody but Ruby. The only thing more invincible than Ruby is Ruby’s confidence in Ruby.
Or … have you not heard?
It is unconscionable that this did not preempt the news in every nation. Future generations will forget who wore what at the Met Gala, or where Taylor and Jason got engaged.
But for the rest of human history, parents will teach children about Ruby the tabby, and the year she banished the stinky boys from the Lounge.
She did. She really did.
I told you: we’re talking about a turning point in history.
If you visit our Lounge, Ruby will tell you about it herself. But first, she will tell you about the dark days of yore.
Lo! How she suffered at the paws of the stinky boys!
Tabby’s Place is supposedly a sanctuary, where cats can leave behind “hopeless situations” for good.
But one great lady, despite her dignity and decorum, was forced to live with three thundering dunderheads: Leo, Taylor Ham, and Winky.
Being a true jewel, Ruby did her best to find something to admire in these oafs. By “did her best,” I mean “permitted them to live.” The Nobel Committee has been duly notified of her candidacy for a Peace Prize.
But that was all our matriarch could muster. The situation was scandalous.
You have to understand. Ruby is elegance and etiquette on four paws. She appreciates Baroque art, delicate cheeses from Provence, and the way everyone on NPR talks softly, as though someone important is sleeping in the next room. Someone named Ruby.
And someone named Ruby should not be subjected to someones named Leo, Taylor Ham, or Winky.
In Ruby’s opinion, Leo is a punch line on stilts, with legs as lanky as beef jerky. Ruby attempted to engage him in conversations about foreign policy and Surrealism, but it was no use.
Leo thinks Shrek is the most important film of all time. Leo claims McNuggets are proof of a benevolent universe. Leo doesn’t know the words “benevolent universe,” so he said “heckin’ happyland.”
If you ask Ruby, Leo has the mental acuity of a mollusk. Ruby saw a mollusk once, and she ate it.
But if you think Leo is stinky, you haven’t met Taylor Ham.
Ruby hoped Taylor Ham’s name was some kind of joke, the way you might call a large man “Tiny.” But it was all too accurate. Ruby was forced to live with an animate form of lunch meat.
Day after day, the gelatinous tuxedo basked in the sun. People came to rub his cantaloupian belly, as though it would give them good luck. People laughed when Ruby said “cantaloupian,” not realizing this is a scientific term.
People just kept rubbing, and Taylor Ham’s happiness rubbed Ruby the wrong way.
Would you believe that never, not once, did Taylor Ham stop and think about how he could contribute meaningfully to society?
We tried to tell Ruby that Taylor Ham’s happiness was actually a powerful contribution.
This did not go well.
Besides, Ruby was suffering from critical levels of exasperation, shade, and side-eye, all as a result of prolonged exposure to the stinkiest boy of all.
We human mollusks had a good case for why Ruby should have to live with Leo and Taylor. Although Ruby has as much in common with them as a goddess has in common with a salamander, they did all have diabetes.
Ruby understood the argument for a shared prescription diet and insulin schedule. She understood, and then she rejected it.
But when it came to Winky, there was no argument at all.
Winky is not diabetic. Winky is not civilized. Winky wears an orange collar because he forgets not to bite people. Winky sleeps in the ramen cupboard because he thinks he is a noodle.
If the Lounge were a high school, Winky would be voted Most Likely To Throw Tin Foil In The Microwave Just To Watch It Burn. If Ruby had only one wish, it would be that stinky Winky return to his home planet. He could even bring the ramen.
But it appears Ruby had three wishes.
Leo moved to the Lobby. Ruby hopes they like knock-knock jokes and armpit farts out there.
Leo then moved back to the Lounge, on account of attempting to beat the butterscotch out of every cat in the Lobby. Ruby has refused to acknowledge his return, which means it isn’t real.
Taylor Ham got adopted. Ruby hopes Taylor’s adopter can bench press a minivan, since they will need that level of upper body strength to carry Taylor Ham.
And Winky … well, history’s biggest victories are always works in progress.
Yes, Winky remains in the Lounge, and he remains stinky.
Nevertheless, Ruby is claiming victory. She is 33.3% less exasperated than before.
She is still looking for an interlocutor at her intellectual level, but she will settle for people who call her pretty. And, there are reports of a new neighbor in the Lounge.
Ruby assumes we got it right this time. Surely, the new cat will be the Chancellor of Harvard, or at least the CEO of Boar’s Head.
Only history will tell.