The Mad Hatter famously asked, “How is a raven like a writing desk?”
Beats the bananas out of me. But, I can answer this one for you: “How is a cat like the Tunguska Meteor?”
I know, I know - that’s the question that keeps you up at night. (Well, that, plus whether Boy George will ever grow his hair long again.) And today, I have the answer for you.
If your eyes are closed, one particular cat is almost indistinguishable from the Tunguska Meteor.
In the off chance that you don’t know what that is, the Tunguska Meteor is considered the loudest event on earth. Apparently this big, honking explosion happened around the Podkamennaya (Under Rock) Tunguska River in Russia, back in 1908. People who know about such things suspect it was caused by the air burst of a large meteoroid or comet fragment, and it had the a similar impact to a 1,000-Megaton bomb with a decibel rating of 300-315 (any sound above 85 can damage human hearing, and gunfire tops out at around 155).
So how is a cat like this loud, freaky thing?
If we’re really being descriptive, Hawkeye should be renamed Hawklarynx. (Besides, he doesn’t look anything like Alan Alda. More of a Jamie Farr type, if you ask me.) His vision’s as keen as that of any cat, but it’s his voice box that’s really a standout. No squawking hawk or macaw or meteor has anything on this boy.
I know this is saying a lot, but it’s true: Hawkeye is the single loudest cat ever to live at Tabby’s Place.
As urban Ringoes legend has it, back when Tabby’s Place was just a twinkle in Jonathan’s eye, the township expressed concern that the sanctuary might break the noise ordinance. Jonathan was perplexed. Cats? Noisy? How?
Now we know. The township must have predicted the epic volume that is Hawkeye. If Hawkeye led a punk band (and, trust me, he would), they would be called The Loudness. Or maybe deciBEL. Possibly The Screamin’ Demons.
Not that there’s anything remotely demon-y about our little love. All he wants is continuous love and 500% of your attention, for the rest of your life, without interruption. He wants needs your love, and he will jump on your shoulder, “make biscuits” with his paws into the back of your head, and scream like a screamin’ demon if that’s what it takes to get it.
At six pounds, with eyes like yellow marbles and a silk-black coat, Hawkeye would grab your attention with his cuteness…if he hadn’t already grabbed it with that voice.
Tabby’s Place is approximately 7,000 square feet, and you can hear Hawkeye from any corner of the building. Actually, you can hear Hawkeye from any corner of New Jersey North America the Milky Way. From the moment he lays eyes on you, the monologue begins: “HELLO! HELLO! HELLO! I’M HAWKEYE! I HAVE A VOICE BOX! DO YOU HEAR ME NOW! LIFE IS AWESOME! I LIKE COOKIES! THE SKY IS BLUE!”
Though our little screamer may sound like he’s being tortured (or channeling Ozzy Osbourne…which is actually not very different), Hawkeye screams when he’s happy – or sad, anxious, elated, hungry, or thinking about potatoes. He screams because he’s Hawkeye, and he screams because he can.
And, even if he deafens us all before he gets adopted, I say more power to him. There are plenty of creatures who whisper and tiptoe, afraid to trouble the world with their essence. Let’s hear it for the Hawkeyes who scream their song with all their might.
It just might find him a screamingly awesome family all his own.
Let’s just hope they like meteors.