This is not a test.
This is not a drill.
This is certainly not a dress rehearsal.
This is Halloween, on a Friday.
Do you know what that means, kittens?
No, not that there’s a free sardine in the middle of every Blow Pop, although that would hardly make them less palatable.
It means we are doubling down on heckling death, one ridiculously costumed cat at a time.
Tabby’s Place mocks death all year, of course.
We are the imps and scamps who save cats from hopeless situations. We are the hooligans running a heist, extracting purring pearls from death’s vault.
Death thought it had a down payment on our cats. Death told them they were doomed. But while death had its back turned, we grabbed the cats and ran down the hallway yelling, “noiny noiny noin,” and “go bite yourself” and several varieties of “hallelujah” (of which “go bite yourself” is one).
Every Tabby’s Place cat once had an invisible sticker on their foreheads, reading “Hopeless.” But we peeled them off, stuck them on the bananas we forgot were on top of the fridge, and proceeded to love like there’s no tomorrow.
Precisely because there are many tomorrows.
And first, there is today, Halloween. Which brings us back to the business of mocking death.
We spray it with silly string and glob mustard in its shoes. We put whoopee cushions on its chair. When it walks by, we sing, “U-G-L-Y, you don’t got no alibi.”
Most importantly, we dress cats who “should have” died in the rebellious garments of life.
Which is to say, we dress them like bees and business executives, of course.
So, death, if you’re looking for those cats you thought were yours, I’m afraid you’re out of luck.
They’ve had a change of address. They’ve moved from “hopeless” to “hilarious.” They’ve left your ugly clutches for unconditional love. They’re dressed like frankfurters and ladybugs. They are not weeping; they are “wheeeeeee!”-ing.
You can’t have them.
It’s Halloween, so we won’t send you off empty handed, death. Help yourself to the bananas on top of the fridge and the Blow Pops, and be on your way.
You are not welcome at Tabby’s Place.
Huge thanks to staff superstars Claudia, Grace, and Tiff for dressing our little trick-or-treaters and capturing these magical moments.