“With a name like that, shouldn’t that guy be missing an eye?”
“Is ramen really a legitimate pillow?”
Human beings ask a lot of silly questions.
Fortunately, there are many ways to wink.
There is the wink of patience. “I know you mean well, but you are limited. After all, you are only 49% feline.”
There is the wink of recognition. “I know you’re on my side. I see it in your swoony eyes. I also see it in your treat-laden hands. Come sit with me.”
There is the wink of the co-conspirator. “The world is not enough, but it’s a good beginning. Whaddya say: me and you, Emperor and Vice Emperor? You can start by letting me in the ramen closet. Goooooood human.”
And there is the one and only Winky. He’s letting us know just where we stand.
The hour of his arrival, we nearly fell over. This is the appropriate reaction to record-smashing levels of grandeur and splendor.
Winky was spangled with speckles the size of bagels. Winky was starstruck by his own jokes (e.g. “What’s the best building material? TerRicotta!”). Winky was equipped with two good eyes, green as lily pads and leaping from human to human like a hop-toad.
Winky’s name did not “make sense,” in the usual sense. But five senses are too few to appreciate one Winky. Our knees nearly buckled, the better to do homage. Winky was radiant in the heat of our reverence.
The glory of the tabby nearly blinded us to his record.
Some might feel shame over a rippled rap sheet, but Winky unfurled it like a scroll. Why, yes, he was on the watch lists of Interpol, the Hague, and whoever it is that keeps tabs on The Hamburglar. Yes, he had been convicted of clobbering cowardly cats.
To his defense, Winky reserved his “discipline” for the craven. If a cat returned his winks, no hand-to-hand combat would ensue. Winky gladly shares his globe with all who spot the savory spices in ordinary hours. A capful of confidence is all that’s required to avoid Winky’s walloping.
But Winky cannot abide those who hide.
They are the picked-on and the pouting. They wear self-pity like a caftan. They lose the invitation to their own parties and then complain loudly.
Some call them “pariah cats.” Some call them “meek” and expect them to inherit the earth.
Winky calls them skim milk that should be mozzarella. Winky calls them slimy thyme that should be turbulent turmeric.
Winky is only trying to awaken them to the colors and flavors of courage. Wink, wink.
We applaud this goal. We’ll sprinkle it atop another goal: peace on earth. The recipe makes Winky scrunch his eyes.
But if Winky is only warlike with cats who whine, he might give peace a chance among the blissful boys. Not even our Exuberance Enforcer could find fault with these fellas.
Baby is the Last Great Innocent, the offspring of a Bodhisattva and an angel, disguised in blubber. Taylor Ham is the well-dressed incarnation of a hug, a manatee in formalwear sent to save the earth.
Surely, Winky would not find these empaths offensive?
Correct. He finds them too boring to beat up.
Besides, Winky has trained his eyes on something far more urgent: the ramen closet.
Like every self-respecting nonprofit organization, Tabby’s Place is in possession of a ramen closet. The occasional Cup o’ Noodles may wriggle in, and a lone Easy Mac once checked out the neighborhood, but ramen is the ruling carb.
As Emperor, Winky approves. He would like to meticulously collect packets of Shrimp Flavor until he has enough to salt the seas. He would like to explain, using a diorama filled with curly noodles, that he is driven solely by love of life and desire to spread it like butter.
He would like for us to let him into the ramen closet twenty-four hours a day, so he can sleep on high-sodium squares for reasons he cannot explain, wink wink.
He would like to walk through the closet wall to Narnia, which everyone knows can be accessed through many points at Tabby’s Place.
He would like to persevere until every living creature knows the salt and splendor of being alive.
We applaud this goal. We would like to convince him that the best way to convince cats, Congress, and humans of anything is to radiate the light you’ve been given.
Life is salty and sweet when you know a winking wise man with two good eyes.