Knowledge is power, except when it ties you up in knots.
Fortunately, cats exceed us in both knowledge and power, so there is nothing to worry about.
This is true if you dally at the doorway to Suite B, even though you know that Hazey has the power to stampede into the hallway with the velocity of one hundred combined rhinoceroses, minus the etiquette. Congratulations! It is now your obligation to convince Hazey that she can use her powers for good by returning to the ranch.
What’s that? You know that Hazey is incapable of being hogtied? Someone has informed you that Hazey considers human fingers constitutionally indistinguishable from string cheese? You are worried what might happen if you try to pick her up?
Don’t worry.
Also: don’t try to pick her up.
It is pretty cool that someone wrote a song called “Frodo of the Nine Fingers” for the epic 1980 cartoon of Lord of the Rings, but that is not meant to be your personal theme song. We will get to your personal theme song in a moment.
First, you must get Hazey out of the hallway.
You could use your knowledge and summon the power of a trained staff member, which is probably a good idea.
Or you could pull out your Magic 8 Ball. You did bring your Magic 8 Ball to Tabby’s Place, right? Good.
If you are not yet as wizened as this geriatric millennial, you may not be familiar with a Magic 8 Ball. But this knowledge will serve you well, kittens, so gather ’round my creaky knees.
A Magic 8 Ball is a snow globe disguised as an oversized, ordinary 8 ball. It contains what appears to be the remains of several melted Blue Raspberry slushies, as well as a 20-sided plastic die with weird words in a bleary font.
Shake your Magic 8 Ball, and it may tell you “yes,” or “no.” There is theoretically a one-in-twenty chance that it will say “outlook good,” or “it is decidedly so,” which is also an excellent response to Theodosia when she looks you sharply in the eyes to ask if she is the fairest in all the land.
It is also theoretically possible that Hazey will gracefully return to her suite with dignity and decorum.
In other words, there is a zero percent chance that your Magic 8 Ball will say “outlook good.” Your Magic 8 Ball is going to say “reply hazy, try again,” ninety percent of the time. Why? Because your Magic 8 Ball is under the power of Hazey.
Sure, you can keep trying. Ask the plastic toy and the snickering Twix-colored cat the same questions.
“Have you been waiting all day for someone to open that door?”
“Reply hazy, try again.”
“If I pet you, will you bite me like a breadstick, or gaze into my eyes as though I am the Oracle?”
“Reply hazy, try again.”
“Will we run up and down this hallway forever, or at least until we are as ancient as Angela?”
“Reply hazy, try again.”
You know what Hazey’s doing, right?
She’s doing the thing she does best. It’s the same thing she does when you lay beside her in the solarium, two wannabe manatees sharing secrets and sun.
It’s the same thing she does when she speed-eats treats, assuring you that she’s your champion if you ever gamble on the Chicken By-Product Eating Contest at Coney Island.
It’s the same thing she does when she smiles all wry in your eyes, confirming that (a) you are, indeed, the Oracle, and (b) it is statistically impossible to tell whether you or Theodosia are the fairest in the land, so you get to share the title. (Good luck with that.)
What Hazey, like your 8 Ball, is doing, is continuing the conversation.
She does not want to give you an easy answer. If she did, you might walk away, satisfied. She has nothing against you being satisfied. But people who think they know the answer tend to walk away. Hazey is not about to let you walk away, not when there is a Hazey to admire.
She does not want to deliver anything definitive. “Pick-uppable” cats and “forehead-kissable” cats are all well and good. But there is a particular power concentrated in a cat who contains the jet propulsion equivalent to the Space Shuttle.
You may not know exactly what Hazey will do next, but (a) neither does she, and (b) ain’t it fun?
Which brings us to your theme song.
If you come away from this blog with one new piece of knowledge, let it be this. Are you listening? I mean it. Make one geriatric millennial and one hundred rhinoceroses happy.
Your theme song is the scandalously underrated, scrumptiously sappy “I’m the Cat” by Jackson Browne.
This is the only song with the lyrics “you’re thinking that you’ve got me trained … I’m aware of that” and also ” I might not be all that Your Magic 8 Ball said I’d be, but you will see I’m the cat.”
In other words, it’s Hazey’s theme song. And she would trade all her power and half her stripes if she might share it with you.
Is Hazey as perfect as she is complicated?
Does Hazey love you immensely?
Will you have this song in your head for the rest of your week?
It is decidedly so.