Be it known: there are few semantic slips more cringe-inducing than saying Valentimes for Valentines.
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But be it also known: actual Valen Times call for desperate Valen measures.
Suite C has been experiencing a thaw this January. It’s a heated issue, and we try not to get political on this blog. But, personally, I think this global suiteal warming is definitely caused by feline activity. The scientific evidence is indisputable, folks. In the eons before cats brought their technology to Suite C, there was none of this hot stuff going on. Not a sliver, not an ember, not a skosh.
But now? Now we’ve entered a whole new era in Suite C, and it’s all because of the cats. There was the Ice Age. There was Hurricane Season. And now…scientists are declaring January 2012 the official start of the Valen Times. (That’s like Medieval Times, only without javelins and long-haired guys in chain mail and eating stew with no utensils. Otherwise, exactly the same. Also not to be confused with Van Halen Times, which is when David Lee Roth spontaneously manifests in your living room. Those are scary times indeed.)
It started with Oliver and Campana. When our bashful boy started asking everyone to call him Olivier, and taking Rosetta Stone crash courses in Italian, we knew something was up. When we saw a heap of marmalade and calico, temperatures in Suite C started to climb. As you can see, these are the lovers who started it all, and their passion shows no sign of cooling. It’s a ring of fire. He’s a hunkahunka burning love. Oliver gives Campana fever. I’ll stop now.
Yet love has a way of busting loose all over, and this was no isolated Valen Moment.
“Oh, no,” said someone else. “That must have been Oliver. He likes other cats.”
Then the coup de grace: “Oh…well then, whichever one wasn’t Mango was smooshed up with Campana.”
There are only two orinch cats in Suite C. They are both boys. They are both beautiful beasts. And they are, apparently, both in love.
In the immortal words of Lennon and McCartney: love, love, love.
And it’s only January.
Is there any question that, by the time these Valen Times run into 2/14, the heat will have spread sanctuary-wide?
Hold onto your stripes, tabbies - love is on the loose early this year.