Her blood glucose was seven hundred.
His rap sheet was longer than a CVS receipt.
At what point do you cry “uncle”?
I did not understand this expression as a child. Why was “uncle” the password to end suffering? What made “uncle” a get-out-of-pain pass for cartoon characters?
What kind of uncles did these people have?
Clearly not uncles like mine, who put black olives on all ten fingers at the dinner table, played the mandolin, and only looked like they were in the Mafia.
Clearly not uncles like ours at Tabby’s Place, who supervise every suite. They nurture noodleheads like their favorite nieces and nephews. They set the world back on its axis after every haphazard day.
Hashbrown is an uncle, exasperated and infatuated with all his little charges. He takes his cues from Donald Duck.
Like Huey, Dewey, and Louie, Hashbrown’s nieces and nephews do not wear pants. Like Donald Duck, Hashbrown is frequently beside himself. He’ll quack, talk smack, and wax cartoonish, careening after nephews twice his age.
But even in the midst of being beside himself, Hashbrown comes up beside the bedraggled. He clobbers, and he loves. He loves more.
Cora is an uncle, despite being an elegant duchess and a direct descendant of the Danish royal family. “Uncle” is an expansive noun, and Cora is its epitome.
She possesses the highest and rarest avuncular powers. White beard and all, Cora is a Gandalf-uncle. Her wisdom protects elves, hobbits, and all the nieces and nephews in between. Her wisdom makes you feel wise, safe, and valiant at the same time. You may be the one giving her insulin, but Cora is the one packing daily bread in your backpack.
Rupert is an uncle. He is smaller than many toads and most groundhogs. He is younger than all of his nieces and nephews. He is an uncle no less.
Rupert uncles with excellence, because he wants you to be happy. Like your mother’s brother wearing antennae to your birthday party, or giving you a standing ovation when you sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at Christmas, Rupert will make himself silly for your delight.
Rupert will take on gravity, and win. Rupert will take on the powers of Spiderman, Ant-man, and Aquaman simultaneously. Rupert will take you on as his newest nephew, because Rupert loves.
We are richly uncled at Tabby’s Place.
But someone once cried “uncle!” over all of our uncles.
There is a black hole where Hashbrown’s manners belong, and a 404 error where his dignity should be. His ducks are not all in a row. More often, they are planning revolution, and forging tiny duck helmets out of acorns.
Hashbrown’s behavior caused frustration and consternation, and someone cried “uncle!” Hashbrown lost his home.
Cora’s pancreas is a pantheon of unfunny comics. Their slapstick squashed her beta cells, and diabetes echoed in the laughless silence. When she came to Tabby’s Place, Cora’s blood glucose was over seven hundred. That is higher than most machines can read. That feels like death, only worse. Cora’s medical needs caused expense and inconvenience, and someone cried “uncle!” Cora lost her home.
Rupert is a screaming knot of need. With the possible exception of most senators, there is no needier creature on this planet than a newborn kitten. Rupert’s grueling, mewling needs caused overwhelm, and someone cried “uncle!” Rupert never had a home.
Until they all came home. Tabby’s Place is the home where the best way to find a best friend is to cry “uncle!”
They are hanging from our ramps and our rafters. They are hanging our artwork on their fridges.
They are cats, but they are taking care of us as though we were their favorite nieces and nephews.
They are what family is all about. Uncle!
*Hashbrown is a recently adopted uncle, together with nephew Oswald. And so, the world becomes an inch more avuncular and many miles more awesome.