Not everyone you meet will find you interesting.

Fret not!

You have the undivided attention of Earth’s most interested individual.

King Kong shares his name with a 335-foot-tall gorilla. But King Kong is considerably larger than that gentleman, because he is interested.

When you are interested, you are immeasurable.

King Kong is interested in Tabby’s Place, which appears to be constructed almost entirely of arms that hug. There are also floors and ceilings, but they are irrelevant. When you are interested, ceilings are always irrelevant.

King Kong banged his head on a certain kind of ceiling the day he tested positive for feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV). But Tabby’s Place raises the roof for cats with tall needs.

Tabby’s Place is less interested in your diagnosis than your silver-dumpling cheeks and the G-force of your head-bonks. By King Kong’s estimation, Tabby’s Place is the height of eighty Empire State Buildings end-to-end, with 2.4 Jimmy Fallons on top.

King Kong is mostly interested in the people of Tabby’s Place, especially when we are at our least “interesting.”

Sure, there are people out there cruising the Danube, jiggling their glutes on light-up floors, and using the word “bungee” as a verb. King Kong is more interested in the people curled up on the floor like macaronis to cuddle him more completely.

King Kong is fascinated by people who sprawl walrus-style so they can be the same height as a cat. King Kong thinks “walrus” may be the most interesting verb.

King Kong feels sorry for people on runways and red carpets, because they will never be as interesting as Tabby’s Place volunteers who fold blankets, kiss foreheads, and wear plain hoodies the same shade of grey as King Kong.

King Kong is interested in himself, which is anything but selfish. After bouncing around shelters like a bonobo, King Kong could have turned numb. Bang your head on the ceiling enough times, and you may stop climbing. It’s safer not to care. Disinterest is a strong helmet.

But no one can kiss you through a helmet, and King Kong is interested in forehead kisses, bonks, and assorted acts of endearment. So, any time life declared him either dishwater-dull or dangerous, he insisted he was interesting.

Kiss King Kong, and you will almost certainly catch his infectious “interesting.”

King Kong expects you to be interested in his wiggly white eyebrows and the angle of his muzzle when he nuzzles. King Kong assumes you will be interested in the ripple of his stripes and the Hertz of his purr. King Kong finds himself fascinating.

But far from being full of himself, this leaves him with a ridiculous amount of room for being interested in you.

King Kong wants to hear the unabridged recap of your favorite Gilmore Girls reruns. King Kong will listen, spellbound, as you provide a detailed account of your trip to the mulch store, or the quest to find pants that do not make your ankles look weird.

King Kong will neither glaze over nor finish your sentences.

King Kong will gaze at you as though you are the exclamation point on his existence.

You have King Kong’s undivided attention, because his whole life has led to this impossible, infinite, interesting moment by your side, and he is not going to miss one molecule.

Not everyone you meet will know this, but FIV really stands for Fun! Interesting? VERY!

But now, you and King Kong have a fun fact ready for the next fancy dinner party. Or better yet, you can just stay in Suite D, where the world’s most interesting are gentle and grey.

Update: King Kong is still interested in you. King Kong will always be interested in you. But true love took an interest in King Kong, and he is now accumulating interest and kisses from a fabulous forever home. Even better, they’ve renamed him Ciabatta, since he kneads so much blissful “bread” in their laps. Reign on, King Kong!

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